(📝 A quick note: I'm writing this to the men because this particular shape of hunger is one I know from the inside and one many men carry. But it isn't really about being men or male — if you carry a big, hungry animal, whatever your gender, this is for you too)
So, a word or two for those of us who carry a big, hungry animal. 😮💨
I know this hunger from the inside. As a male/man, I've felt the pull to seek, to hunt, to chase 🔦 — the body energized, the desire simple and bright, the animal wide awake and ready to pounce. I've felt it land as something beautiful, and I've felt it take me beyond where I wanted to go. I've been on all ends of this. So take this as a note from someone who's still practicing, from inside the same body. 💗
First, the thing many of us grew up with: 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒉𝒖𝒏𝒈𝒆𝒓 𝒊𝒔 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒑𝒓𝒐𝒃𝒍𝒆𝒎. The animal in us is something we should grow beyond, and yet it's natural, and it's ancient — we've been animals far longer than we've been human, and that hunger is older than everything we've built on top of it. It doesn't need to be caged or killed. It needs a 𝒓𝒆𝒍𝒂𝒕𝒊𝒐𝒏𝒔𝒉𝒊𝒑. 🐺
Here are some suggestions, in case they're just the right thing for you (and for the person who will meet you in the fray): 💃
🏡 KEEP SOMEONE HOME. Picture the primal as a family. Your 𝒎𝒊𝒏𝒅 is the father archetype on the edge of the playground, watching for boundaries. Your 𝒉𝒆𝒂𝒓𝒕 is the mother archetype saying "I love you, have fun," staying connected the whole time. And the 𝒂𝒏𝒊𝒎𝒂𝒍 is the kid, tearing across the playground, wild and free. The kid gets to be wild 𝒃𝒆𝒄𝒂𝒖𝒔𝒆 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒑𝒂𝒓𝒆𝒏𝒕𝒔 𝒂𝒓𝒆 𝒕𝒉𝒆𝒓𝒆. The same hunger, with another human, with your mind and heart still home, can be what we call 𝒓𝒂𝒗𝒊𝒔𝒉𝒊𝒏𝒈. The same hunger with nobody home becomes something a person should never be left alone inside and engaging with others with. Better staying 𝒘𝒊𝒍𝒅 𝒂𝒏𝒅 𝒂𝒄𝒄𝒐𝒎𝒑𝒂𝒏𝒊𝒆𝒅. ✨
🧵 FEEL THE THREAD, NOT JUST THE YES. There's a thread that runs between you and the person you're playing with — first 𝒂𝒕𝒕𝒖𝒏𝒆𝒎𝒆𝒏𝒕, then connection, then trust, then a real authentic yes. Track that thread as closely as you track your own arousal. A yes with the thread alive is a gift. A yes with the thread gone quiet is a different thing, even when the word sounds the same. 👂
❄️ WATCH FOR THE FREEZE. When someone's nervous system gets overwhelmed, it can go still, or it can start handing you exactly what it senses you want. Both can look like a yes. 𝑪𝒂𝒍𝒊𝒃𝒓𝒂𝒕𝒆 𝒕𝒐 𝒕𝒉𝒆𝒊𝒓 𝒆𝒏𝒆𝒓𝒈𝒚, and never push against someone who has already frozen or pulled away. Look for whether they're 𝒃𝒓𝒊𝒏𝒈𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒔𝒐𝒎𝒆𝒕𝒉𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒃𝒂𝒄𝒌 — playing, adding, surprising you — or just going along. The one who truly trusts you doesn't only comply. They play. 🐾
⏸️ BUILD IN THE PAUSES. The person who has gone quiet in fear, however subtle, usually 𝒄𝒂𝒏'𝒕 or won’t 𝒂𝒔𝒌 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒕𝒐 𝒔𝒍𝒐𝒘 𝒅𝒐𝒘𝒏 — so build the pause in for them. Find the natural breaks in the play. Ask "𝒉𝒐𝒘 𝒊𝒔 𝒕𝒉𝒊𝒔 𝒇𝒐𝒓 𝒚𝒐𝒖?" and be ready to hear any answer. A pause is way to slow down and open a door back to the mind and heart, for both of you. 🚪
🐆 TALK BEFORE THE BIG INTENSITY when doing primal play or anything involving your and their inner animal. The wildest, most surprising exciting play — the predator and prey, the hunt, the ambush — is exactly the kind that can cut the thread faster than either of you can feel it go. So 𝒉𝒂𝒗𝒆 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒄𝒐𝒏𝒗𝒆𝒓𝒔𝒂𝒕𝒊𝒐𝒏 𝒇𝒊𝒓𝒔𝒕, before you're both in it. That talk builds trust ahead of time, so wildness has something to hold onto when it lands. ⚡
🫀 KNOW YOUR OWN SIGNS. You have a moment — every person does — where the mind starts to drift off the edge, the heart starts to go quiet, and the animal starts to pull you along for the ride. 𝑳𝒆𝒂𝒓𝒏 𝒘𝒉𝒂𝒕 𝒕𝒉𝒂𝒕 𝒎𝒐𝒎𝒆𝒏𝒕 𝒇𝒆𝒆𝒍𝒔 𝒍𝒊𝒌𝒆 𝒊𝒏 𝒚𝒐𝒖𝒓 𝒐𝒘𝒏 𝒃𝒐𝒅𝒚, so you can feel it early and catch it. Find a quiet spot, put a hand on your center, breathe a slow five-count in and out, and check in with your own animal — not to scold it, to 𝒓𝒆𝒂𝒔𝒔𝒖𝒓𝒆 𝒊𝒕. It behaves best when it trusts you. 🧘
🤝 CARRY THE RESPONSIBILITY YOURSELF. Keeping your mind on the edge and your heart on the thread – and your attunement – is 𝒚𝒐𝒖𝒓 𝒘𝒐𝒓𝒌, 100%, and never theirs. It's not the other person's job to manage your hunger or keep you regulated while they're trying to enjoy themselves. When you carry it fully, you become someone people can actually surrender to. 💛
🐺 BEFRIEND THE ANIMAL. In the end, the path is 𝒓𝒆𝒍𝒂𝒕𝒊𝒐𝒏𝒂𝒍. Controlling the animal only makes it a sadder, more desperate one. Instead, you 𝒂𝒕𝒕𝒖𝒏𝒆 to your own animal, you build trust with it over time, and it learns to run wild 𝒘𝒊𝒕𝒉𝒐𝒖𝒕 ever leaving you or the person in front of you. Tamed, in the old sense, means the wild thing stays close and stays wild. 🌟Then you can engage well with others and their animal well.
We need more men who can do this — men who can carry a full, bright hunger while still fully present and connected. The animal can be your ally. Befriended and tamed, it may turn out to be the most alive, most sensitive, most trustworthy part of you. 🐺💗
With love, attunement, care, and consideration,
Philippe
