Think of the last time you cuddled with someone. What happened in the seconds and minutes that followed the call to cuddle? Was it smooth, awkward, quick, slow, weird? Did it feel comfy, edgy, scary, good, bad, etc? How many times did it take to really feel the two of you coming together gracefully? How many times did it take for the two of you to learn to do it perfectly and effortlessly?
So there's this thing we do when we meet someone new and decide that we want to connect with them more deeply, more intimately, which is very similar to cuddling. It involves bringing their sense of reality together with ours, which means their preferences, their morality, their perspective, their fears, their experience, and much much more, together with ours for the purpose of reaching a certain level of coherence and shared reality.
What does it take for this coherence and shared reality to emerge such that it occurs gracefully rather than some version of gaslighting, especially when these versions of reality are so different as to sometimes feel like they are in direct conflict?
I call this "The Art of Reality Cuddling”
Here are some of the qualities this "art" calls for:
Curiosity & Listening (to the mystery):
In order to learn to cuddle someone's reality well, it's important to be curious about the shape and size and texture and composition of their reality. We do this by listening and feeling, which *has* to happen through our perceptive filters and biases, so it's important to realize that what we experience isn't necessarily what is real, or even what is real *for* them. But since it's all we've got, we have to engage with it. A good way to do this is using mirroring (repeating back what we heard, to make sure we got it right), asking for feedback (such as "How was that?" and "Did this make sense?"), asking questions ("Can you tell me how this action made sense to you?" or "Can you tell me how/why/when X makes you feel this way?"). The idea is to gather information so we have a better and better sense of the "reality body" we're cuddling with using the sensations coming to us through your own "reality body". And, it's important to realize that what we're perceiving may not always be true, which brings up the second set of qualities:
Humility, Care & Openness (to new information):
It's one thing to be curious and listening and feeling, but we can't be sure of what we perceive until we've tested our reality to make sure it's accurate and true. This means checking with the other person about what we perceive and seeing if it rings true for them. This means being open to what you find together. It's possible they won't agree because they can't see clearly for themselves, or because you can't see them clearly. If you can't be sure and they can't be sure, it's best to leave that piece for a later date. This is where humility, care, and openness comes in: when in doubt, it's best to not be too attached to what our reality body tells us, take a step back, and focus on remaining open and caring for ourselves and the other person. I call this "holding reality lightly" as we try to figure out what's happening, and stay in communication with the other person. Sometimes reality is a bit murky and at the edge of our discernment, and it takes time and effort to be sure we know what we are looking at.
Mutuality & Willingness (to dance/play/explore together):
Life and relationships are always some level of an experiment, so it's important to allow for accidents and for things to get messy, and show up for each other and be willing to figure out what's going on between our reality bodies. What these qualities are about is being willing to engage with a similar level of commitment and be able to show up for the other person in a way that we want them to show up for us.
Shadow Work & Integration:
Shadow work and integration is about being on the trajectory of learning to become more aware, secure, and mature. Everything that happens in our life (and because of the other person) engages our ability to be aware, secure, and mature. When we react badly, we learn something and it shows places (shadows) where we were immature, unaware, or insecure. While the events might be challenging or awful, we can learn to become a better person and show up even more for ourselves and for the other person in the process. If there's a path to greater responsibility to self and with others, this is it. As you learn and do the work, you'll find better ways to gracefully engage more with the people you want in your less and have less of the people you don't want in your life. Basically, the better you and they are as reality cuddlers, the more you both will be able to engage well early in the game, or not at all.
Connection & Trust:
All reality cuddling follows the same trajectory: (good) connection leads to (good) trust, trust leads to intimacy (and better cuddles). This requires both people to have some skill in connecting with others reliably and the ability to trust themselves and the other person, even if it's with a lot of caveats and disclaimers. Someone who lacks these abilities is more likely to do things that don't feel right (that are disconnected) to them and to you, and they are more likely to trust too early too much or too little even after a lot of good, positive, encouraging, successful reality cuddles. And without good intimacy, when they speak about what they see in themselves and/or in you (or when you speak of what you see in them), it will be harder for you two to *feel* like your two reality bodies are meeting well with each other and feeling GOOD with each other.
Synergy (in relationships):
Your reality body is always based in experiences, which is inherently biased and will always have some degree of inaccuracy. So while it may feel good to try to line up all the bits of your reality body with your person's, there's a simpler way: synergy. In a way, synergy is the knowing that if you're reality cuddling someone, there's a reason for it. This is not a moral statement. I'm not saying it's good (as in "not creating suffering"). I'm saying there's a mechanism that brought you together. Synergy is seeing this reason without giving it a moral perspective. If you've ever been in conflict, you know there are ways you might enter into a kind of synergy with someone that means you could not avoid the conflict. That's what I'm talking about. Knowing and understanding (if you can) the synergy is just a way to say "This somehow makes sense even if I can't figure it out fully. Now what?". It gives you a handle on taking the next step. What information can you get from your two reality bodies connecting/conflicting/cuddling? What can you both learn? What would support both people (or just you if nothing else) in moving forward? Are there parts of you or them you can accept and then go from there? And then there's the question "What are you a YES to?" which will help you find direction at a higher level of truth, by yourself and together.
But what about Gaslighting?
I would not be able to complete this guide to reality cuddling without a word about gaslighting. In recent years, gaslighting has been used to define willful behavior meant to diminish or dismiss someone's realoty sense of reality, but in reality (pun intended) most gaslighting simply occurs when reality body intrudes on another reality body. This does not require willful action or a desire to do harm. It only requires someone to feel that their reality is wavering as a consequence of someone's behavior. This means that all it takes to be gaslighted is someone's words pushing against your sense of reality a bit too hard. Ever had a partner or lover be absolutely DELIGHTED by a part of your personality or body you hate? What was the reaction of your reality body to this? In the context of reality cuddling, this kind of intrusion is even more impactful and powerful because of the connection and trust already present. But we also have to remember that both reality bodies are interacting and pushing and prodding as they try to find a way to get closer together. What is bound to happen is some limbs of either reality body will experience pain/trigger/numbness and this will cause that body to react or cope. This can show up as a trauma state or as protest behavior, or as feelings/emotions. And this can show up as a desire to reassert one's reality body (ie by pushing/fighting back or avoiding) or this can show up by allowing one's reality body to be pushed and not saying anything (freezing, fawning). Then, gaslighting can be seen as the wrestling of two reality bodies trying to find a good resting position together but failing because of trauma responses or coping mechanisms, making the process much more volatile.
What about Conflict?
Even when there’s no gaslighting, reality bodies trying to cuddle can and will still collide. The process is uncertain and often difficult, aa our reality bodies are sensitive and sometimes seemingly erratic. These reaction all point to something important: they reveal a piece of our reality body which is still being worked out, still learning to become more mature/aware/secure. This is a GOOD THING, more information about what’s not working well in our (and their) system as they interact. Whenever there’s shock, denial, hurt, anger, justification, defensiveness, looping, testing, it’s an opportunity to see where we (and they) are at in terms of our(their) integration process around this part of our reality body. It’s not to be judged. Rather, it’s to be appreciated for where it is in the growth trajectory as this piece moves towards the last two stages: compassion and acceptance. Again, this is not moral acceptance (as in “what happened was morally good”). Rather, it’s an emotional acceptance of the past allowing for a new step to emerge, which could look like a new depth of relating or less of it. After true acceptance, anything is possible because the piece is no longer running the show. In that sense, reality cuddling becomes more graceful because it allows both reality bodies to find a better position without reacting to the other body as the cause of pain/suffering.
And as strange as it may sound, it very much describes the process I've seen adult sons and daughters go through as they learned to grow and heal their intimate relationships with past abusive parents or partners, and in some cases create the sort of reality cuddle that has allowed them to continue to relate to these people with safety and sovereignty.
But sometimes, conflict is simply two realities that aren’t the same shape, that aren’t coherent with each other. This is the perfect case of each person and their reality feeling like the other person/reality is doing something to them or that the other person/reality isn’t doing enough to show up and help. This is normal and par for the course. The work of aligning reality bodies is often really difficult, especially when there’s a sense of willful action or neglect from the other person or when there’s a sense of betrayal. This is usually the point where getting support from a mediator is called for, such that they can have all parties come together as part of a well honed process of repair and resolution.
Also, when it comes to conflicts, it’s important to watch for two things: Fawning and People Pleasing. For the sake of this conversation, I refer to Fawning as behaving with the intent and desire to avoid someone else’s upset or willful/harmful action (ie avoid bad things), and People Pleasing as behaving with the intent and desire to obtain (or continue to obtain) something valuable/good from someone else (such as love, affection, money, protection, etc) (ie keep getting good things). Both behaviors express compulsion and some level of co-dependency, which can be inherent to the person behaving this way (via trauma, mental illness, etc) or inherent to the dynamic in the relationship (via hierarchical/positional power) or expressed through actual flexing of power via good or bad outcomes in the engagement (meaning that when good or bad outcomes occur, they create power dynamics on the spot to the degree that the person at the effect of the outcomes has compulsion around them. When behaviors like these begin to happen, the power dynamic begins to force (or at least influence) those at effect to reshape their reality to the reality of the other person. This can of course happen in both directions in a mutually co-dependent engagement where both realities become inauthentically contorted to behave according to the other person. Ultimately, whether this happens in only one direction or in both directions, the altered/subdued/modified reality tends to have a corrosive effect on the person impacted and as such impacts the quality of the relationship.
All right, this should be good for now. As you practice all the qualities and skills above, you'll discover that the process of reality cuddling will get better and better over time, and you'll pick better cuddling partners for the reality body they bring to the table, some of which will be compatible and some of which will be different enough to be a gift to you, whether a difficult one or a desired one.
Did you find this article useful? Would you like to learn how to become a better reality cuddler or how to become a more sovereign human and do the shadow work and integration necessary to engage with reality with a whole new level of consensually and mutuality?
Let me know.