In consent work, it's common to say that consent means someone is ready, willing, able, and informed.
However, what if the only thing missing is someone being *willing*? What if they are ready, able, and informed, but something is still stopping them.
What has someone be willing (or not) to engage in a particular way?
I believe this is where we enter the realm of "free-will" (and of course, the phrase gives it away)
At first glance, you would expect everyone to have free-will and be able to make their own choices--choices which, ostensibly, would feel good and have a positive impact on their life.
But if you look deeper, you'll immediately see that this isn't always the case: people only make choices that are GOOD for them (ie have an effectively positive impact on their life) and perhaps ALSO feel good--or make some level of PAIN and SUFFERING go away.
And so if they lack enough perspective or feelings to make a better choice, they won't.
Why is that? I have a few thoughts...
1. TRAUMA
People have trauma which skews their inner compass for what an effective positive impact means, looks like, and feels. It's often deep and primal, and overrides even the smartest people. This means a better choice may or may not occur to them in the first place, and even if it does, it might not look like it will either work out well or make any difference, and even if they believe it will, it might not FEEL good enough for them to move in that direction at all (especially if their nervous system is seeking quick pleasurable relief or a quick removal/numbing of pain)
2. MEMORABLE POSITIVE OR NEGATIVE EXPERIENCES RELATED TO BEHAVIOR
It's one thing to "know" what's good/better for you (ie it will have an effective positive lasting impact), but without any actual experience of it, it remains a concept in our mind.
Like, you know you should exercise, but unless you've done it before, you might not know the trajectory to reaching a point where you see results and it FEELS good in your body.
And if there's no negative experience (yet) with behavior that will (eventually) have a higher cost, there's little incentive to change ("let's have another drink!")
What makes someone be willing to (consensually) engage in a new way is a memory/experience that is MEMORABLE and LASTING enough that considering a new behavior will have enough power behind it.
For example, if you've quit smoking before and remember how GOOD it felt in your body, you're more likely to quit again. Or if you remember how out of breath you were that one time you went on a long hike trying to keep up with your friends, then it might be enough for you to quit again.
But these experiences, and the power to change behind it, is just the tip of what growth represents. With experiences eventually comes awareness, maturity, security, and wisdom.
But this takes time, intelligence, attention, and effort. Without any of these, we need more external support without which we may never get to have these experiences in the first place...
3. POSITIVE ROLE MODELS (TO PERHAPS REPLACE THE NEGATIVE ONES TOO)
If someone lacks enough memorable positive or negative experiences, and the growth behind it, the next best thing is the people they know who have had these experience and perhaps, too, the awareness, discernment, maturity, and wisdom that comes with it.
Because one way or another, if they are missing positive role models, it's likely that they have negative ones: parents or caregivers who betrayed their trust, who abused them, who hurt them. There isn't one human on this planet who hasn't had at least ONE experience with an older human where trust was lost, where some level of suffering happened. But there are COUNTLESS children (now adult or growing into one) who had COUNTLESS experiences of loss of trust at the hands of adults. Sexual, psychological, emotional, physical, spiritual abuse leading to trauma (back to [1] above). And these adults loom long and large in one's psyche as they attempt to develop new and better relationships with people who aren't like these abusive adults.
In effect, there's a portion of one's psyche who becomes occupied by negative role models who continue to impact their life, consciously or unconsciously, so it's even more important to replace these negative role models with POSITIVE ones.
So who are positive role models? People who have lives that work, that are sustainable, that are "happy", which doesn't mean "never in breakdown" but rather always in a process of growth, adjustment, repair (for conflicts), deepening, and exploration. These role models are in action around their lives and they are ready, willing, able and informed enough to keep themselves in balance while being in this growth process.
In effect, these people have achieved a high level of sovereignty, meaning that they have learned to consent to what will be effectively impacting their life positively.
In other words: they have learned to make better choices for themselves and others through the connections--friendships, loverships, partnerships--they have with other people in their lives. They know that humans can't do it alone and that receiving help and giving it is the essence of mutuality and collaboration, and this is what allows everyone to rise up to enjoy life a little bit more every day.
This isn't rocket science, but it does require experience and skills to master.
Positive role models just express this well enough for someone else to witness, copy, and learn from, and offer anyone a way to experience a better life vicariously through them.
And this might be just what someone--who is lacking a positive role model--needs to be willing to make new better choices for themselves.
4. LUCK OR OPPORTUNITIES
There's no doubt that someone people have more privileges, opportunities, and luck than others. This could be from their family, their community, their group identity, their circle of friends, or just being at the right place at the right time. Some can be cultivated (such as choosing one's community and circle of friends), and some are more difficult to impact or change.
The main things I want to share here is, someone is much more likely to be willing to engage if the opportunities that come their way that feel GREAT. Otherwise they will learn to believe over time that the opportunities that come are less than that, and at some level believe that it is a measure of their worth. Conversely, some people will one day be faced with an opportunity that is fantastic but they will lack the self-worth to fully take it on. Or they will receive it and think their luck has changed and this will completely change their outlook. And, the problem with opportunities is they come and go, often for mysterious reasons beyond one's worth and ability to change/impact.
This is why I tend to recommend people work on what they CAN change: their own personal healing work (around trauma) and growth work (including mindset), their own circle of friends, community, and role models, and cultivate these inner and outer relationships towards greater mastery of their personal realm of influence and sovereignty.
Because a "sovereign" is someone who operates within their land, their kingdom, in relationship with others, and learns to do this well, a way that effectively and positively impacts their life in a healthy and sustainable way.
This is what learning to say "yes" to life looks like, consensually, by cultivating readiness, willingness, ability and knowledge in your own realm.
And in so doing, you'll develop the ability to show up for others and become positive role models for them as they become positive role models for you, as they learn from you and you learn from them.
As you become more aware, mature, secure, and wiser together.
What would your life look like if you learned to say "yes" to the entirety of your existence and life? This isn't a moral call--saying that what happened was great or perfect or okay--it's a call for acceptance of what is--of what happened, of the past, of what was lacking at the time trauma or abuse happened--and making the best of it.
What does "making the best of it" look like?
Look around you, there's no doubt someone who had similar experiences made it a few steps beyond where you're at. Is there something you can learn from them? Is there some aspect of your psyche you would work on in order to engage better with reality on any given day? What are your coping mechanism, calling for quick fixes rather than working on longer and more sustainable goals?
It's all around you and available to you, and it's waiting for you to say "yes" to the invitations that come your way.
How about it?