(Note: In this conversation I will use responsibility to also mean accountability)
For this game we take a whole new look at the conversation around the topic of Responsibility and its role in conflict. Clear your mind of what you know and dive in.
In relationship or any engagement between adults, responsibility is usually something that is shared (to some degree) between all parties involved.
Imagine responsibility as something that can be measured in terms of “quantity”. When responsibility is taken for everything that happens in the engagement/relationship, everyone knows the part they play and to what degree they affect the outcome. Generally, this means everyone is happy in the engagement and there's little conflict: I cook, you do the dishes. You want more touch, you tell me and I respond with more touch. I drive and you navigate. If I'm unhappy, I share with you about it and you know where you can rise up because it's your responsibility. Or you can refuse and I can take responsibility.
When, however, some of the responsibility is not taken up by either person and something bad happens, conflict occurs: whose responsibility was it? Whose job was it? Some people will look to push that responsibility onto the other person and make them wrong if they don't take it (or for not taking it in the first place). That's called *blaming* someone else. Some will take it but make themselves wrong for not taking it in the first place. That's called *blaming yourself*. One or both people will feel bad that something bad happened to them. That's called *being a victim*. And if they hold the other person responsible, they will either see that person as the cause (a perpetrator) or the solution (a rescuer).
Now look at responsibility as a bunch of marbles on a table.
In an engagement, each party takes some of those marbles as their own. The marbles they have is "their responsibility". But sometimes, some of the marbles remain on the table: that's the responsibility nobody wants to take (or thought of taking at the time of the engagement). I call that a "gap in responsibility". If something bad happens related to the marbles that are left on the table, each party my try to make the other person take the marbles, ie hoping they will take responsibility (or take the marbles for themselves against their best wishes). But nobody likes to take responsibility they didn't agree to in the first place (without their consent), so they either resent the other person or give the marbles to the other person or put them back on the table. Then each party makes the other wrong for not taking responsibility and blames/conflict ensues.
It's called the *blame game*.
THE ROLE OF CONSENT IN TAKING RESPONSIBILITY: It's important to note here the role of CONSENT in the conversation about responsibility. CONSENT is operating from one's inner authority. It's being ready, willing, able and informed to do something. Asking someone to take responsibility for something without their consent (ie before they are ready, willing, able, and informed) often has the effect of SHAMING them for not being there yet. For example, telling someone they should take responsibility for someone else impacting them, or for how they feel about someone impacting them, is essentially telling them -- if they aren't taking the hint -- that they are not good enough for refusing to take that responsibility. The result is generally shame and loss of power--exactly the opposite of what is desired (taking responsibility requires energy and power to stay in integrity) A much more effective approach is asking the other person if they are missing any of the 4 elements: Are they not ready? Are they not willing? Are they not able to do so? What information are they missing? If the answer to all four is "No", then very little can be done with that person. Alternatively, one can silently support such person so that they will gain the resources they need to eventually consent to taking responsibility, but there are no assurance that they will.
What can be done around this? Some ideas/solutions:
ACCEPT THAT HIDDEN RESPONSIBILITY EXISTS: Accept that there is always responsibility left on the table but neither person knows about it until something bad happens. This means that at some point to make things better one person will need to be the better person and take that responsibility and own responsibility even though they didn't agree to it in the first place. In growing relationships, new (sometimes hidden) responsibility keeps on showing up and so both people need to keep an eye on the table for anything popping up and stay in conversation at all times for how what is popping up might be handled by either or both people.
50/50 RESPONSIBILITY MODEL: In a 50/50 (or whatever percentages) model of responsibility, each person holds some of the responsibility and no more than they have to. Hopefully between them and the other person, it adds up to 100% so there's no responsibility no one is taking (see previous point). This model works best when there's full 100% coverage of responsibility, but often fails otherwise. It's the model that requires the least amount of work/energy when things are going great, but it's more taxing when things go badly (as conflict needs to be resolved and that takes energy). Also in a growing relationship because new responsibility shows up all the time or people change (and along their desire to take responsibility changes too), this means a growing chance of conflict over time unless the shift of responsibility is consensual for everyone involved. A better model is the overlapping responsibility model (see next point)
SHARED/OVERLAP RESPONSIBILITY MODEL: The more responsibility both people are willing to take, the greater the chance that when something bad happens, (at least) one person will have it handled and thus less conflict will occur. In this model, there's an understanding that tracking whose responsibility it is is a huge amount of work and it's better to just take as much responsibility as possible at all times so that as mood, feelings, emotions, contexts, triggers, and situations change, there's a greater chance that one person will have things handled. Conversation about it become more relaxed as there's a greater chance both people feel more held and cared for. This also requires that both people have extra resources rather than be fully taxed at all times (thus going for the 50/50 model instead). Another name for this model is the model of "Shared Responsibility" because the goal at all times is to make sure that at least one person or both people are taking responsibility. In a shared responsibility model, responsibility that isn't taken is simply a gap in responsibility. No one is at fault, and the conversation becomes about what can be done so that one or both people can handle this responsibility effectively in the moment of realization and moving forward.
100/100 RESPONSIBILITY MODEL: When the shared/overlap responsibility model is taken to an extreme, it might be possible for both people to take 100% responsibility for everything that happens in an engagement (or at least for their feelings about it). This is a great goal, but to the uninitiated/untrained, it often looks like taking responsibility even when one has no idea how to do so (laking the "able" piece of consent) and it begins to look like blaming oneself rather than truly stepping up to the plate in a positive and powerful way, with the resources needed to do so. So be careful with this one and only take it on if you are both ready, willing, able (with the required skills/experience), and informed to powerfully take 100% personal responsibility for what happens, which in other words means "being willing and able to be at 100% cause in the matter of what happens, what happened, or what will happen in the relationship" (which is lightly connected to Landmark)
Play a game about responsibility:
For this game, find 2-4 people you are in intimate relationship with and explore the world of responsibility. With each person, you'll do the following:
Grab a handful of coins from your change jar, and put it on a table. These are the "unclaimed" responsibilities.
Each person then pulls out a coin and either pulls it to their side or sends it to the other person and speaks out something they feel they are taking responsibility for or want the other person to take responsibility for in the relationship. It could be something like "my safety" or "doing the dishes on sat night", or "putting on the condom", or "your pleasure" or "my pleasure".
Together, explore what it means to take this responsibility (are you/they happy about it, or not? would you/they wish it were any other way?) and what it means for the other person (same questions) that they don't have to take responsibility for it.
If both people want to take responsibility for the same thing, notice the overlap and put the coin in the middle between both people away from the pile.
Continue until there's no more coins, then ask each other: is there anything we might not have thought of? What if something new were to show up, what would we do? Is there anything we secretly wish for the other person to take responsibility for? Should anything be changed? When answers come, pull out a new coin for the jar and either take it for yourself, put it in the middle, give it to the other person, or put it where the pile was as "unclaimed"
Have fun!
Would you like to learn more about how to share responsibility in relationships?
