On anxious attachers blaming their avoidant partners for their relationship problems
Classic right?
They are pulling away all the time.
They shut down when you try to bring up a relationship concern.
They don’t respond to their messages in a timely manner.
They don’t meet your needs.
They don’t give you enough reassurance.
They don’t tell you they love you enough.
They can’t support you in your emotional needs without withdrawing and/or judging you.
They can’t seem to meet you in the depth that you want.
They, they, they, they.
As someone who leans anxious in attachment patterning I know this one way too well, so I’m going to call myself out here.
Among anxious attachers, there tends to be a lack of acknowledging how an anxious flare up impacts the field in a relationship.
Your needs matter and you deserve to have them met, and it’s painful when they aren’t.
And…
There is a Law of Conservation of Energy in insecure relationship dynamics.
For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction.
The anxious attacher pursues closeness, the avoidant distances.
The anxious attacher reacts with upset, the avoidant withdraws or judges them.
The avoidant is often not responding to the act of connection seeking, but reacting to the context and field of energy it comes with.
If we approach connection from a centered, regulated place (really hard if needs are unmet), the equal and opposite reaction from the avoidant is “this is safe for me, I like this.”
If we approach connection from a dysregulated place of lack, it registers as unsafe or deeply unattractive to the avoidant, so they create distance as a strategy to stay feeling well.
Really, all of our attachment strategies are an attempt to stay in wellness, or avoid pain.
Can we breath that in as we acknowledge our humanity? That we are really just desiring to be well, and consciously or unconsciously moving towards that?
How perfectly human.
Now, if we are having an anxious flare up, there’s probably an unmet need that’s longing to be met.
Having needs is beautiful, ok, and universal to all humans.
It’s how we hold ourselves through it and show up to the connection with it that matters.
Are we making requests from a place of criticism or lack?
Are we being demanding vs making healthy requests?
Are we giving enough appreciation for the ways they do show up? Or are we stuck in what’s wrong or missing?
The hard pill to swallow for anxious attachers is that it’s not all the avoidant’s fault.
How we show up and hold ourselves matters, and that is something that we can influence.
This is where the anxious attachers power is, their ability to hold them selves, self parent, self source; while still having a healthy level of expectation for their partner to meet them in certain ways.
It’s a beautiful, delicate balance that’s quite difficult to stabilize in.
Anxious attachers can go into a survival response at the slightest hint of abandonment or their needs not being met.
This is the work of a lifetime for an anxious attacher who wants to become more secure.
The North Star is to make requests from as regulated place as possible while including appreciation for how they are meeting your needs.
Not over faulting their avoidant partner.
Not blaming themselves and taking exclusive responsibility.
But having a healthy balance of ownership of how we show up, while also owning that our needs are ok and there are healthy strategies to get them met.
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From one recovering anxious attacher to another, I salute you for doing the work.