As you look back on an intimate experience with another person and integrate what you explored, discovered, and learned from these intimate moments, it might be a good time to consider checking in with them (if you haven't done so already)
In many circles, this is called aftercare: a way to check-in, reconnect, and offer support towards each other's integration and the feelings that might have come up. It is a form of longer and deeper attunement which includes not only the engagement itself, but also care and consideration for what happens next in someone's experience as they process what happened post engagement.
Along with aftercare, I also like to do an additional piece which I call a debrief. I learned this with a new lover: after any experience with someone, she would want to talk about it, not only to get a chance to relive the turn on of the experience and squeeze even more goodness and memories out of it, but also squeeze the goodness of the intimacy and learning that would come with it.
So what are debriefs?
Debriefs are about looking back on an engagement and reflecting on it for the purpose of learning together with those involved, and becoming a better, more attuned, caring, and considerate human and lover as a result.
This helps us compare our experience and how we felt with what the other person experienced and how they felt.
This is especially crucial if the difference ends up large as it means the realities of each person lacked coherence. The experience of both might still be good or great, but there's often a nagging feeling in one or both people that something was off.
In coherent realities, though they are rarely perfectly the same, the experiences and feelings of every person in an engagement should match to a large degree.
The idea behind doing debriefs is to learn about the other person's reality so we can do better at engaging with them in the future (if more engagements come), or learn enough that it will help engage with other humans moving forward if not with this one.
So it's generally best to approach a debrief with a growth mindset, which means that mistakes and accidents are part of the learning process as much as all the things that worked. And when mistakes and accidents inevitably happen (especially for the ones that leave people less whole), it's also important to be ready, willing, and able to help as much as possible by apologizing (acknowledging our part in the mistake/accident) and repairing (seeing what the other person needs in order to feel whole again and supporting them to get there)
Here is an example of steps to offer aftercare and a debrief (you can update this for what makes sense to you):
Check-in about aftercare: "Hi there! I wanted to reach out to check-in about our time at the party and offer some aftercare. Is there something that might help you feel complete or with your integration? Is there something you might want or need from me?
Check-in about a debrief: "Would you be willing to do a debrief/reflect back/offer mutual feedback about our engagement?", "How would you feel about doing a debrief about our time together?", "I would love to learn how that was for you and share how it was for me to better understand how it unfolded! Perhaps we could do a debrief?"
Find a good time for both of you, when you are in a resourced / regulated place.
"How was your experience?", "Can you tell me about what you really enjoyed?", "Is there anything I could have done or that could have made the experience better?
If a mistake, accident, error in judgment, or anything else that causes someone to feel hurt/harmed/no longer whole, see if they would be willing to accept an apology from what happened (Here's an apology process my partner Paget and I wrote some years back)
Share about what you're learning in this process together.
Share about beautiful frames around the experience.
Share anything else that feels right to feel complete.
Thank your partner for their willingness and time to do aftercare and debrief with you.
That’s it.
Though not everyone needs it or wants one, I usually find that offering aftercare and a debrief creates deeper trust and intimacy because it shows goodwill, care, and consideration about the other person's experience.
Quick note about men: my sense is that as a gender role there might be some belief that men need aftercare and debriefs less than other gender roles. But I think the reality is that this is generally good food for all humans and also really supportive of creating a field where trust and goodwill are present. In other words, knowing that people in the community are willing to offer and engage in aftercare and debriefs gives a sense that we're all willing to both learn together and repair when mistakes are made, which is key to being in a learning space.
As with many/most things, you'll become better with aftercare and debriefs with practice, so I encourage you to reach out to the people you had an intimate experience with recently and see if they would be willing to practice with you--and also deepen trust with with these humans as well as all other humans when you demonstrate that they matter in all the ways they want to be cared and considered for.
Consider making it a practice after play events and temples as a way to support creating a more intimate and trusting community over all.
And, if it ever makes sense for you, I would love to hear how these moments of aftercare/debriefs were for you with others and also let me know if there's any way I could make this little write up just a bit better and applicable to you!
A bientôt et avec amour,
Philippe
Additional Notes:
Why debriefs? How are they useful?
This is what secure engagement looks like.
Some of the values that debriefs can/usually have: curiosity, learning, attunement, care, consideration, love, pleasure, fun, transparency
Learning from the encounter and from the other person, with the intention of doing it even better next time (if there is a next time, without pressure)
Understanding the other person’s perspective: what were they experiencing at different moments?
Sharing our own experience and internal process without judgment or blame
A gesture in the direction of (better) attunement, care, and consideration for the other person, letting them know that the engagement mattered and that they matter, and that this relationship is meaningful
To go into deeper intimacy (into-me-you-see), more accuracy into the reality of each person’s experience
To savor the sexy moments AGAIN, to selfishly eat them all up again
To include all the learning in the next session, and look forward to it
To deepen trust between us as we learn to show up for each other
To reignite the feeling of love, as well as pleasure, appreciation, fun, turn on, intimacy (and memories related to the engagements and debriefs)
Additional question/inquiries for the debrief:
How was our engagement for you?
Is there anything you would like me to know about what was happening for you at certain moments? Things that would help me understand, attune, care for, or consider you better? Things that you feel would help me show up for you better if we were to have a similar engagement again (without pressure of it happening, only in the possibility)
Is there anything I could share that would reveal my experience to help you show up for me even better?
Is there anything you are curious about what happened? Things that left you scratching your head?
Looking back, is there anything that felt missing from the engagement or that you would change to make it better?
HARDER: Is there any aspect that felt lead to a loss of trust or interest?
HARDER: Are there any boundaries/conditions that you would have to engage in a similar way again (if it felt right)
DEEPER: Orgasms: What was your internal experience of your orgasm(s), describe it/them in details so we can both be more present to your internal somatic experience and track it together.
DEEPER: Emotional intimacy: how did this experience shift/influence our emotional intimacy, and what did shift/influence it in the experience
DEEPER: Is there something new that you noticed/discovered about the other person’s peach/cock/sex?
What was the most arousing/fun/pleasurable moment?
What was the moment you felt most empowered, and what caused it?
Did you experience love during our experience? What flavor? - Describe it in detail so we both get to experience it together right now (for lovemaking sessions or other fun deepening activities)
How to listen to someone’s answers during a debrief:
Actively listen (no talking over, let them finish, then thank them when finish)
Ask them if they are open to you responding or asking about their share
Ask question out of curiosity and a desire to learn about the other person’s internal world
Avoid judgment about behavior. If you need to speak to it, focus more on likes/dislikes, or leaning of preference (“I tend to like X better/more/more often”) rather than definitives (unless they are clear boundaries for you)
After the debrief:
IF YOU DON’T WANT TO ENGAGE WITH THEM AGAIN (INTIMATELY OR OTHERWISE): Sometimes this might be a one time only engagement and/or there’s a feeling that it’s not a match with this person. Ghost them? Pull away? How can this be done in the most caring/considerate way? A secure way to do this is simply to thank them for the experience and let them know that this was enough for you and if things chance, you will get in touch with them. (this is a polite version of “don’t call us, we’ll call you”)
IF YOU DO WANT TO ENGAGE AGAIN: You can offer the possibility without pressure, holding it “lightly” (rather than “tightly”), letting the person know what you are open to, what it might look like, and allow for what is possible to manifest in its own time. To be “open” to something essentially mean that you are okay with it happening or not happening.