Just as a safer sex conversation can a useful way to mitigate risks when it comes to intimate physical encounters with others, the RDBSM(ATPD) conversation can be a beautiful way to reduce the risk of emotional challenges with new intimate partners. Each letter represents a topic to discuss so that both partners have greater awareness about their partner as a complex human with complex circumstances.
This conversation can look like: each person going through all the topics at once or going through each topic together and each person speaking about it in turn:
When should you have a RDBSM(ATPD) conversation? I
In the context of bringing care and consideration for a new intimate partner, we recommend you have this conversation as soon as you realize that an engagement will move towards to a level of emotional or physical intimacy that is deeper than friendship. It’s okay to check in by saying “I’m sensing that this might go deeper than something platonic. Would you be open to take the time to have an RDBSM(ATPD) conversation so we can fully consider each other and engage in a way that feels good as we dive deeper into this engagement?”
R is for Relationship: share about relationships with anyone in your life who would want to know about your potential engagement with this new partner. Here you would also share what implicit or explicit agreements you have with these partners, as well as the relationship styles you most typically prefer.
D is for Desires: share about your desires or intentions for the engagement you are about to have with this new partner. Usually, this is the place for you to express what makes you excited to engage with them or any specific activities you would like to engage in. For example, you can share that you would like to kiss and cuddle, go out for dinner or share time to connect emotionally or sensually.
B is for Boundaries: share what your boundaries are for the engagement. For example, you can share that you don’t want to engage in any penetration during or that you want to avoid sharing fluids (and whether this means kissing, oral sex or penetration). Boundaries could look like types of intimacy, types of touch, types of activities, phydical limitations, etc.
S is for Sexual health and safer sex: based on the previous topics, if relevant share about any recent STI tests and their results, and/or recent, recurring, or current infections. It’s also a good idea to ask your partner to let you know what else they would like to know on this topic.
M is for Meaning: share what the engagement you’re about to have will mean to you. For example, you could express that intercourse is really meaningful for you and indicates that you are moving towards a committed relationship. It’s also important to note that this conversation is about sharing the implications of various intimate activities for each person.
Additional topics you can cover:
A is for Aftercare: share what you would like your prospective partner to do or how you would like to stay connected after the engagement. For example, you can request a call or a text the next day to check in about it. This topic is about the longer trajectory of engagement that often occurs after the initial intimate activities of an engagement.
T is for Trauma: share about the traumas (big “T” or small “t”) you have, and how they can manifest, including trauma-responses (fight, flight, fawn, flee, freeze) as well as people pleasing (behaving for the purpose of keeping another person engaging in positive ways towards us, like loving us or protecting us) and also smaller more minor ways you react related to these traumas. In other words, share how your traumas tend to influence you in intimate connections with other. (Quick note about fawning: you can see this as behaving for the purpose of keeping another person from getting upset or engaging in harmful or scary ways towards us)
P is for Power: share about all the ways you see your partner might have influence over you, for example: age, experience, role power, status, personal power, attraction towards them, etc. And share how this influence might change the way you engage with your partner or how you might be a “yes” or “no” to something when you actually wish to engage otherwise. This is deep work that might take time to uncover with your partner, and call for the partner with more power to engage more delicatery and with more consideration, supporting the partner with less power to choose more freely and with greater and evolving self-awareness.
D is for Debriefs (see here for more details): This is a separate conversation to have some time/days after an engagement with a partner. Share together about how the engagement was for you, including highlights, low lights, challenges, and best moments. A debrief has two purposes: 1) understanding what happened internally for you and for the other person so you can learn to engage more accurately with them moving forward, and 2) relive good parts of the engagement so they are anchored more deeply in your shared memories.
Here’s a beautiful infographic by my friend Dee Yergo (www.deeyergo.com) for many of the categories mentioned above:
