Part 1 of 2 (Part 2 can be found here)
Tool type : Insider Insights
Actionable for : Stage 2 of the Journey to Secure (see here for another description of the stages)
Prepared by/for : AP/AP
Requirements:
Self awareness : ●●○○
Emotional literacy : ●○○○
Intent from partner: ●○○○
Self regulation : ●●○○
Self responsibility : ●●●○
How many times have we found ourselves thinking:
This isn’t enough ..
If only they would ..
Why cant they just ..
Why are they always so ..
I just need them to ..
They should just ..
More details about the Dance of Anxious & Avoidant can be found here.
Maybe it's over lackluster date nights. Maybe it's about intimate or difficult conversations. Maybe its romantic gestures. Maybe its verbal affirmations.
Whatever the case may be, our dissatisfaction can only be held on to for so long before it seeps out and tarnishes the surrounding environment. It feeds a divisive, resentful, contemptuous atmosphere. It doesnt matter what the desire is, or how valid it is to desire (which it usually is very valid!).. it matters that our deep inner culture of dissatisfaction will erode any potential for improvement, and invite only further dissatisfaction to the party.
When we look at the different core wounds of the AP and DA characters, it can often be described as :
an anxious types core wound of abandonment or neglect and
a dismissive types core wound of shame or criticism.
The way these characters demonstrate protection of those core wounds, can often look like hypervigilance and hypersensitivity to anything that resembles those core types of pain. Where they branch apart, is often in how they address that hypersensitivity.
An anxious type, who is feeling highly sensitive to their core wound of abandonment, will often strategize a way to PRESERVE the connection... to maintain their safety.
A dismissive type, who is feeling highly sensitive to their core wound of criticism, will often strategize a way to SEVER the connection... to maintain their safety.
So, going back to this dissatisfaction cycle, how might this play out in a typical AP•DA dynamic?
The anxious expresses a need. (valid, normal, natural)
The dismissive does not possess the tools required to address this need. (maybe they cant even hear it yet?)
The anxious increases the need. (this is where our story telling starts)
The dismissive still does not have any frame of reference for dealing with this. (its baffling.. disconnect and dismiss)
The anxious need becomes overwhelming, the vocalizing heightens. (protest behaviour, passive aggression, labeling, and so on..)
The dismissive core wound of criticism and shame is activated, which fires up their withdrawal reflex. (shut down, deactivation, ghosting..)
The anxious senses that withdrawal, and their core wound of abandonment is activated, they engage preservation protocol. (fawning, people pleasing, panic)
The dismissive feels the pressure of that anxious response, and withdrawal intensifies.
These responses feed each other, until the negative spiral bottoms out. The need goes unmet. The rupture is magnified. The cycle restarts.
Who is in the wrong here? The anxious for having the initial need? The dismissive for lacking a skillset to perceive and meet it?
The answer is neither. This is why fostering dissatisfaction, as an anxious leaning partner, does not solve the problem.
Not only will it not get our needs met, to be miserable with our relationship.. it actually feeds into exactly WHY we feel miserable with our relationship.
When we criticize someone who shuts down at the slightest hint of criticism, what hope can we have for any other outcome?
If we want our partners to develop a new skill... whether its verbal affirmation, or empathic listening, or mindful connection, or emotional validation... we need to take ownership of the role WE play, in reinforcing those core wounds that interrupted their development of that skillset in the first place. We need to make room for our own accountability in this cycle. This does not mean we "take all the blame", or engage in people-pleasing or fawning behaviours. This does not mean we self-betray, or abandon our needs. This means we take into account our core wounds, hold space for our partners experience, and learn how our vital differences feed the cycle.
How might our partner be experiencing this cycle?
When we THINK we are saying "I need you to do this like that instead", what they're more likely to be hearing is "You're not doing this well enough".
When we think we are telling them "I need you to be more this and less that", what they're getting is "You're not good enough".
When we think we're saying "I just wish you would do these things more", what they hear is "Everything you've given me so far is worthless".
When we say "Why cant you just this", the message they receive is "Look at you.. I keep letting you try to please me and you still can't get anything right."
Imagine how those must feel for someone who has already experienced the fall out of their perceived failures, and the harm they've had dealt to them for "being bad", and "doing wrong"? I'm not saying this is what we're telling them.. I'm saying this is how our dissatisfaction is subconsciously translated, through the filters of their attachment wounding.
I know OUR gut responses as anxious leaning types are telling us, well duh.. if we do better, we can have better! If we love more, we get loved more! If we behave right, we get treated right!
But that is OUR attachment narrative. NOT theirs. In OUR story, of course this "cause and effect" pattern should apply, and if they would JUST "do the thing", or "say the stuff", then the love would automatically flow.. because that is the equation... for us. Its faulty, and dysfunctional, but its ours.
In their story, if they're already found to be wrong or guilty or lacking or less than, it's already game over. It's time to cut and run, it’s already too late. No amount of doing or saying or behaving or performing can bandaid this, because that is THEIR pattern of harm. That is THEIR story. That is what's all tied up in their core wounds, most of which cant even be actively accessed by them right now.
When we project all our needs onto them, shine our spotlight on their flaws, slide their shortcomings under our microscopes, it probably feels like their worst, and deepest buried, nightmare come to life.
However, when we hold our own needs, graciously accept what they bring, and honour where it comes from, we give them the space they need to just try and exist within the concept of safety. We can just let them be. When people can be free to JUST BE.. they are free to grow and evolve and expand.
Nothing grows in the barren wasteland of our withering dissatisfaction. Beautiful things grow in our gleaming light of gratitude and acceptance.
So with that in mind, we can embark on the journey to unlearning our dissatisfaction, and nurturing our own inner sense of peaceful, mindful, gratitude. To begin exploring this area, we can ask ourselves:
Have I felt and expressed gratitude lately?
Can what I'm saying be boiled down to "you're not good enough"?
Can I name 3 things that feel good lately, to temper what I'm feeling negatively about right now?
Have I been stewing on this for a while already and feeding into my dissatisfaction this whole time?
Can I say something good to/about my partner and deeply mean it?
Have I tried any other options for addressing this need?
Can I journal out all of what I'm feeling and come back to this later on, to get some perspective before I bring this up?
Can I take a few minutes to reconnect to my inner empathy for my partner, before I broach the topic?
Am I telling myself a story about my partners intentions, to back up my feelings about their actions, that may not be accurate?
Am I applying my core wound narrative to my partner, and then holding resentment for how they act in that story?
Have I checked in with my own needs and tensions with myself lately?
Am I honouring my partners origin story? Am I recognizing my own?
All my love and light to you ♡