Part 2 of 2 (Part 1 can be found here)
Tool type : Insider Insights
Actionable for : Stage 2 of the Journey to Secure (see here for another description of the stages)
Prepared by/for : AP/AP
Requirements:
Self awareness : ●●●○ +
Emotional literacy : ●○○○
Intent from partner: ●○○○
Self regulation : ●●●○ +
Self responsibility : ●●●● +
Relevant next step : Self Trust Talk
Practical steps : see photos below
More details about the Dance of Anxious & Avoidant can be found here.
After reflecting on the feedback on my part 1 of this article, I believe there’s a lot of interest in revealing the secret strategy to having our needs met by our dismissive leaning partners. A sort of "How To Ask So We Get a Yes" guidebook. A script to follow to override our partners avoidant reluctance.
I sense there will be a fair bit of disappointment when I confess .. that's not what I have prepared for you. I can't write out any special vocabulary to guarantee you will see affirmative action. There are no secret cheat codes to hack into the hidden core of needs-meetingness in our partners. I cant give you a password to unlocking whatever form of connection your partner has been "withholding".
I'm here to help us AP leaning folks take a look inward, to find the REAL gateway to sustainable progress, so we can experience the fulfillment we deserve and desire. Stay with me, I promise this gets better ♡
Within each of us exists a small fragment of person, representing our innermost childlike persona. Whatever joyful childlike wonders, whatever most natural desires, whatever most innocent fears, and whatever unresolved trauma we carry from our formative years, we retain within this persona. Being disconnected from this "small inner us" doesn’t remove them from the equation, it just blocks "big outer us" from perceiving and acting on what they need us to do. Adult attachment is this "small inner us", in action. (Yes, dismissive types have a "small them" tagging along too, but very rarely is that persona accessible for them in the early stages.)
So building on part 1, we talked about how our core wounds (AP neglect, DA shame) interact, and how they influence our experience with our partner. We went over how they feed into the negative spiral (need, miss, need, miss, need, withdraw, pursue, withdraw, breakdown, repeat). But how does this cycle actually look in terms of our inner child? And how do we use this knowledge to alter the course of events when we have a need?
What we experience and vocalize as a need on the surface (I need connection, I need validation, I need communication, I need to see improvement, I need to be recognized) is quite often our inner child trying to speak TO us... but in actuality it presents as our inner child speaking THROUGH us.. TO our partner. This is where it gets tricky.
Imagine. You're on the phone with your partner, and Small Inner Child is playing at your feet, waiting to go for ice cream. Your phone call drags on. Child pulls at your sleeve, asking when it's time to get the ice cream. You miss this hint, and keep on talking, trying to focus on your partner. Child starts to feel distress, at being ignored, and being denied. The sleeve pulling escalates, now they're kicking your shins and beginning to whine. You give a dirty look to silence them, but are still otherwise absorbed in the phone call. Child is on the verge of hysteria, not only are they feeling the urgency about the ice cream, but its now multiplied by the lack of response.. it's getting dark, it's getting late, they're getting hungry, the ice cream shop is going to close, this phone call is neverending, they can't tell time but acutely feel it elapsing, they need you, they need to go NOW, they need you to hear them NOW, and you are NOT LISTENING. A full tantrum erupts.
Right now, expressing a need, from inside this activated inner child AP experience, to our partner would be the equivalent to handing that phone over to our tantruming child. Let this sit with you for a minute. Think about how this experience has played out for you. Maybe you've try to (you think) calmly express a simple need, and your partner is somehow caught off guard, or quickly overwhelmed, or totally baffled, or just automatically withdraws. When Small Inner Child is speaking TO Big Outer Us, and we miss the cues, or let that message be redirected THROUGH us and delivered to our partners.. it's the equivalent to handing over our control, our phone call, to a tantruming child and allowing them to run the show for us. Allowing them to dictate to our partner. Placing their care in the hands of our partner - which of course is totally problematic; they have their own inner child to contend with, AND they dont even know the first thing about our Inner Child, right?
How does all this actually look in daily life?
Maybe you came in from a long hard day and on the surface, you needed to hear your spouse recognize and praise your effort, and they don't. It spoils the evening. You want to vocalize the need, but then you find yourself disappointed, frustrated, or dictating to them how to meet it (which from part 1 is where we see our dissatisfaction leaking out, and the cycle begins).
Maybe you had a hard week with the kids and needed to feel held and comforted by your partner, but they were distracted and didn’t show up for you with the comfort you need. Now you're tired, AND you’re feeling snubbed. You express a need for support, but your partner bolts. (And you're left with.. boom! More dissatisfaction again!)
Maybe you just need to feel heard and cherished with verbal affirmations, but your partner communicates with a more cut and dry approach. They're not being lovey-dovey, or saying the sweet things you need to hear. You keep dropping hints that's what you need, but nothing happens. Now you feel unloved (Which leads to... you guessed it, that dissatisfaction issue!).
Maybe you haven’t connected with your partner in a while, and you feel urgently panicked about the time going by. The distress eats at you when you're apart, and even creeps in when you're together because you're so worried about separating again. All you want is some reassurance, but that's not how your partner operates. Everything feels urgent, every need feels magnified. (Do I even need to say it? More sneaky dissatisfaction.)
Are these needs wrong or bad? Of course not!!!! But when we vocalize them, from our dissatisfied, activated anxious mode, are we letting Small Inner Us bypass Big Outer Us to go and scream at our partner? Did we miss the quiet tug on the sleeve? Was there some promise or need, like hunger for ice cream, that we didnt meet, acknowledge, or follow through on.. that we really REALLY needed to follow through on? Often, the answer is yes.
Excerpted from part 1 :
"....If we want our partners to develop a new skill... whether its verbal affirmation, or empathic listening, or mindful connection, or emotional validation... we need to take ownership of the role WE play, in reinforcing those core wounds that interrupted their development of that skill set in the first place. We need to make room for our own accountability in this cycle. This does not mean we "take all the blame", or engage in people-pleasing or fawning behaviours. This does not mean we self-betray, or abandon our needs. This means we take into account our core wounds, hold space for our partners experience, and learn how our vital differences feed the cycle.. "
In the previous piece, I talked about what NOT to do. When I say NOT to self betray or abandon our needs, I mean we don't grab the phone back from tantruming Inner Child and push them out of the way, so we can prioritize damage control with our partner on the phone... we can of course say to them in that moment that we recognize the tantrum, "excuse me, I need to go tend to this". But what we really need to do, is start recognizing the inner tantrum sooner, and start meeting our internal meltdown with all the compassion, affirmation, acceptance and patience that Small Inner Us is begging for. We need to meet the needs where they originate, with Smaller Inner Us, instead of at the surface, where they're only being vocalized through Big Outer Us.
How would this "tantrum needs display" scenario play out differently, if we had met the sleeve-pulling first request with acknowledgement? With comforting? With reassurance? With calm? With prioritizing our OWN follow through on our promise to Small Child, over our phone call?
How would our phone call have been improved (instead of derailed by the tantrum) if we had addressed all of this before even making the call? Maybe we met the need preemptively and got the ice cream before the call, and eliminated the hunger fueled urgency that led to the meltdown? What if we took the time to connect to Small Child before taking the call? "I hear you, I'm listening, you need this, I got you. I will make sure we get to the ice cream before time runs out, my call will only take a few minutes, but I promise I'll follow through." Or what if we had already established a confident trust between Small Inner Us and Big Outer Us with consistent follow through on care promises? Maybe that sleeve-tug could've been responded to with a "just 5 minutes", and the existing trust would have been reassurance enough.
THIS is what "meeting our own needs" means.
THIS is how we regain control of our own anxiety, panic, stress, loneliness, sense of urgency, or fear of disconnect.
THIS is how we take care of ourselves, our Small Inner Us, so we can be present and focused and joyful in our "phone calls", our relationships. This is how we preemptively address the tantrum, and prevent Small Inner Us from grabbing the phone and screaming at our partner.
That long day when we feel tired and need recognition? How do WE meet this need? We pause, we turn inward, and we tune in to the sleeve-tugging from Small Child. We recognize this need. We meet this on their level. "I hear you. I see you. You're working so hard. You're so tired. You've done so well. I'm so proud of all that you've accomplished today. Let's take care of you now." Then FOLLOW THROUGH. Take care of you now, whether its saying no to additional projects, putting up boundaries around our participation, advocating for and reinforcing those boundaries, making and taking the time to relax and unwind, giving permission to treat yourself, or identifying and adjusting areas of life that are too exhausting or overwhelming right now.
When it's been a hard time with the kids this week, and we're waiting for our partner to catch on and step up, how do we meet the need? We turn inward. We tune in. We recognize "Hey I see you're getting pretty burnt out. I'm going to find a way to get you some support so you can rest. It's my job to look out for you, and I promise I'll do that." Then FOLLOW THROUGH. Let your partner know you're taking a day off to recharge this week, and take a look at the schedule together.. and when the day comes, you take it. No guilt, no shame, no rushing, just give that day to Small Inner You, like you said you would. Communicate that you need half an hour after dinner every night to walk the block and decompress when they get home from work, and then stick to it. Follow through on getting Small Inner Child what they need to recuperate.
When there’s a need coming from Small Inner Child that they just want to feel heard and held and affirmed? What do we do? We hear. We hold. We affirm. After all, who knows better about what Small Inner Us needs to hear, than Big Outer Us?? If it's still uncomfortable to say it outloud or in the mirror, try writing it on a note. If you can't come up with anything yet, try these. Read them, write them, say them, BELIEVE THEM. "I love you. You are good. You are worthy. You are strong. You are kind. I'm so thankful you exist. You are a blessing to behold. You are right where you need to be. You are loved exactly as you are." (Feel free to throw in a good self hug too).
When you haven’t connected in a while, and the overwhelming time pressure has Small Inner Child frazzled and fearful and counting the seconds? We pause. We tune in. We reassure. And then we sloooowww things down. "I hear you're starting to stress! It feels like time is going out of control, doesn’t it? But it’s alright. I'm here with you, I'm not going to let anything get carried away. I will keep you company, and while we wait we can do something fun. When we watch the clock it only makes us feel worse, right? Let's take some deep breaths and find something fun to do together so waiting doesnt feel so terrible." Then FOLLOW THROUGH. KEEP THIS PROMISE! Regulate with some relaxing light exercise like yoga or tai chi, focus on slow mindful breath work, mindful joyful body movement like dancing, or a guided meditation designed for anxiety. Discover or revisit a new hobby. Indulge in solo self care, or an activity you wouldnt otherwise think to do. Lose yourself fully in something delightfully simple, give yourself fully over into joyful freedom. (Personally, I love 90s pop music, and colouring). When the time-panic creeps up, validate, re-stabilize, and redirect as calmly and as many times as needed.
When we learn to listen and tune in, and let Small Inner Us speak TO us instead of THROUGH us, we can show up for our relationships in an entirely transformative way.
When we learn to turn inwards say "I got you", and really mean it, we can effectively calm this anxious Inner Child, and regulate our way to feeling a more calm, confident, relaxed, fulfilled peace in our hearts, so we can foster the culture of joyful gratitude we want to bring to our relationships.
There are always steps our partners can take to bring their best selves to the relationships too, but our security requires us to do our own work regardless.
So with that, instead of looking for the trick to get our partners to say yes, let's move forward with learning how to give ourselves the yes we need the most.
All my love and light to you ♡
