What are boundaries?
• a boundary is a personal limit we place around our participation within relationships. They may be involving physical contact, emotional proximity, personal privacy, language, and more. They exist within our realm of control. Imagine, I could not trespass on my neighbours property and go lock him in a cage for stealing my flowers, but I can stand on my own property and put a protective fence around my garden.
• boundaries can vary from one extreme to the other. Too rigid and harsh, or too soft and pliable. The ideal boundary exists in the middle of that spectrum, where there is a healthy stability.
• boundaries allow us to maintain a healthy sense of self within relationships, whether romantic or not. Boundaries allow us to appropriately balance and meet our own needs, while being able to acknowledge and accommodate the meeting of other needs that present in our environments.
How do I know if my boundaries are well balanced and healthy?
• some warning signs of over-rigid boundaries can be: inability to experience intimacy within close relationships, recurrent patterns of detachment or distancing in times of need (cannot ask for help), closed off or strongly averse to discussing personal topics with close partners, strict refusal to get involved in the situations of others, can be over-perceptive or overreactive to boundary violation
• some warning signs of over-soft boundaries can be: overestimating or misreading intimacy, oversharing private or sensitive details, immense guilt and difficulty around saying no, inability to respond appropriately to others saying no, recurring patterns of "caving" or giving in after saying no, over-involvement in the situations of others, can be under-perceptive or permissive to boundary violation
• healthy boundaries can allow for comfort with intimacy in close relationships, can maintain an appropriate involvement with others, can comfortably ask for, receive and offer support, can comfortably refuse and uphold refusal under guilt or coercion, can consistently discern when boundaries are being violated and address appropriately
How do I actually set a boundary?
• identify what feels comfortable and uncomfortable for you (behaviours, languages, actions, conversations, etc.) and where the line is between the two. The boundary should be near this line, erring on the side approaching the line rather than going way beyond the line. The boundary should help deter people from crossing the line.
• determine what responses would be appropriate for the circumstances, and whether you will actually follow through. If you've set overly rigid boundaries in the past, your actioned responses might have been more abrupt and intense than needed, (like ghosting, break ups, or angry outbursts). If you've set overly soft boundaries in the past, your attempted responses may have been too big to actually follow through with (like threatening a break up, or ultimatums), or simply undefined and ineffective. Appropriate responses should be simple, actionable, relevant and self accountable.
• develop a respectful, but assertive vocabulary to express the boundary. Non Violent Communication and using I - statements are very useful here. Coming up with a simple, concise script you can refer to is helpful for maintaining clear intentions when setting boundaries.
How do I know if my boundaries are appropriate?
• ask... does this boundary reflect my values, or impose my values? By reflecting you are acting within your realm of control (your actions, words, responses, presence, participation), in a way that aligns with what you believe. By trying to impose values, you would be acting outside your realm of control (the actions, words, participation of others) in a way that would require them to change in order to align with your beliefs. Appropriate boundaries keep you acting within your realm of control.
• ask... what consequence have I put in place for if someone crosses this boundary? Is the consequence relevant and actionable, (like ending a conversation, discontinuing physical contact, removing self from immediate social setting, etc) or is the consequence unrealistic or beyond your willingness to readily follow through on (like initiating divorce, quitting job, moving out)? Appropriate boundaries have a realistic self actioned response.
• ask... is this boundary in place to protect my wellness, or enable my dysfunction? Determine your ideal state of security and wellbeing, and assess whether this boundary is protecting your path to reaching that goal, or if it is a wall preventing you from doing so. Ex, healthy boundaries could enable you to have difficult conversations in a productive way, unhealthy boundaries might enable you to avoid learning how to communicate better.
What will happen when I put a new boundary in place?
• if this was previously an overly rigid or overly pliable boundary that you've adjusted, it may result in some discomfort. This adjustment period may require extra self soothing, nervous system regulation skills, and developing new ways to communicate. It is normal to get some pushback from people who previously have benefitted from your unhealthy boundaries.
• if this is an entirely new boundary where there wasnt one before, it may take adjusting over time. Starting out with new boundaries can make it difficult to see where they should go, or what the end goal should be. Your partner, family, coworkers etc, may struggle to adjust. This is normal. Ongoing evaluation is important in the early stages.
What if someone else sets a boundary I don't like?
• compassion before reaction. What reasons might they have for setting this boundary? How would you like someone to respectfully respond to your boundaries, and how can you emulate that desired response for them? How can you self soothe and then work to adjust to this new dynamic?
• tune into whether your dislike is an ego-response, or a harm-response. Often times when the people around us set boundaries, it can trigger an ego response (dont they like me, arent I important, why arent I good enough, I'm not wrong, this isnt fair). If however their boundaries are imposing harm on you, then it may be time for you to collaborate with them on a different approach, or simply place a boundary of your own.
Examples of appropriate boundaries:
Observe: I- statements, clear concise language, reasonable actionable responses, and presence inside realm of power.
I will not be disrespected. If you continue to name-call and yell at me, I will not continue this discussion.
I do not want to be touched like that, if you continue trying to do that, I will go home.
I am not comfortable with being around intoxicated people. If you are planning to drink this weekend, I will reschedule our date for another time.
I need some space to decompress and have some alone time. I would like either Saturday or Sunday to myself, do you have any preference which day I take?
I am not ready to discuss this topic right now. Please respect my space while I process this, and when I'm ready to talk about it I will let you know.
I do not have sex until I'm comfortable and ready, and for me that means after this many dates or this amount of time. If this isnt something that works for you, I will decline to continue pursuing this.
I am open to hearing your opinion on this, but I will not participate in a discussion where I am being ignored or belittled. If this conversation cannot be held respectfully, I will not continue.
I do not answer work emails during my off time. I will be available during these hours, here is someone available for you to contact in the meantime.
I am not comfortable being around this person. If you will be socializing with them during our trip, I will make other plans for that time.
I am overwhelmed by this conversation right now. I am going to take a break to collect my thoughts and calm myself, and I will come back to this in an hour.
I have told you I am not okay with you going through my phone behind my back. We can work on ways to address this trust issue together, but if you are unwilling to respect my personal privacy I do not want to continue with this relationship.
I know this is a difficult situation for you, and I would love to be able to continue supporting you, but I need it to be in a way that is comfortable for me too. I cannot get involved in discussing your marriage problems anymore. I value our friendship, but I cannot continue it in this current dynamic. How can we make changes to accomodate both our needs?
I am not open to discussing this personal topic in this public setting. Thank you for offering your thoughts, but my mind is made up and it is not up for debate. If this conversation continues I will be leaving.