Trying to emotionally balance on someone who is trying to do the same thing with you will usually lead to a very challenging balancing act.
This is normal.
Ever seen two acrobats balancing on each other? There’s usually a “base” and a “flyer”. There’s never two bases or two flyers balancing on each other.
The same is true emotionally with two people. It’s always much wiser to have a base (the most emotionally balanced partner) and a flyer (the person exploring their emotions) at any one time.
For three people, you’ll notice that in a counseling/therapy situation, the practitioner will always be a version of a “base” and the partners will either be a combination of base/flyer or flyer/flyer.
In other words, it’s CRUCIAL that there be enough balance in the system (either using at least one partner or one practitioner as the base) for a volatile/challenging situation to not become too dangerous.
Again, same as with partner acrobatics.
And the same is true over time: without enough balance in the system, more breakdowns and hurt/harm will occur, sapping the partners until a breakup finally occurs, leaving one or two humans licking their wounds old and new, and needing to heal from an engagement that could have been facilitated/supported towards a better more integrated less volatile outcome.
So whenever possible, one parner should seek to regulate into emotional balance first and then try to support the other partner in doing the same.
Then—and this is CRUCIAL—when both partners are regulated, it’s important to switch so the other partner can let go of holding balance and have their turn at exploring and integrating their emotions into clear needs that they can begin to ask support with or at least find their own self-care for.
The challenge is it's harder and rarer for an anxious attacher to keep their balance with another partner and rarer for the avoidant attacher to let go of holding balance to let another partner hold that balance.
It takes deep trust in both cases. Both partners are afraid to let go because they’ve been hurt in the past and as they remember this multitude of hurt as a core wound, they are afraid.
And after a while in any relationship, there's been enough blowups and conflicts that a lot of this trust has been eroded and lost.
What to do?
Get help. Get support. Get the resources you need from others outside the relationship so you're not at the mercy of the volatility between you and your partner.
This is why a practitioner is important: a counselor, a therapist, a committed friend, a mentor, or anything that adds balance to the system.
This is why practice in self-care, co-regulation, and self-regulation (or if nothing else, auto-regulation for the avoidant attacher, ie regulating alone) matters so much.
One way to do this is by finding your tribe so you can get help and support when you need it and continue your Journey to Secure Attachment. In a way, this will lead to also finding your Secure Network: the humans in your life who want the best for you and who are willing to help you with the resources they have.
And one one place to do this is on the Attachment Community FB group where you can ask questions and crowdsource wisdom and support from a fast growing community of like minded people who love to look at their life through the lens of attachment theory.
See you there!
A bientot et avec amour,
Philippe