by Curt Hammer
I’m not sure where to start with this...it’s so close to my heart for many reasons. I grew up in a crazy level of privilege in terms of the race, gender, and socio-economic status of my town and school...and my family was one of the poorest in our town. So I supposed “rich-poor” would describe it.
Watching my classmates have every possible opportunity while I wondered why I couldn’t seem to function, even with a great education and many things paid for just by being a part of the town I grew up in...yet I couldn’t seem to understand why I was so...different. ADHD? Anxiety? Depression? Was I just lazy? After 30 years of bad choices and a few good ones, and MANY mixed feelings, I discovered that I had C-PTSD.
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The non-clinical population has an even amount of male and female people with anxious attachment, as well as those with avoidant attachment. The differences in gender are nuanced, but for the sake of understanding attachment from a human perspective, it’s important to step outside of the need to separate men and women’s differences, and step into the human nervous system free of gender distinctions...from there we can look at differences, but connection must be made first in order to cultivate safety in the nervous systems of BOTH partners. This is an art form that requires tremendous patience, but the payoff is well worth it.
Stan Tatkin suggests a method called “catch and release” for anxious partners who have avoidant partners who seem to be “too distant.”
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This article about (somatic) balance between dance partners perfectly reflects what happens between people with secure and insecure attachment styles.
CREATING EMOTIONAL STABILITY
Secure people constantly create emotional balance for those who are insecure, and as such they *stabilize* insecure people, making them feel as if they are secure and secure -- but the truth is that they are still insecure.
On the journey of developing a secure attachment style, while it can be good to have secure anchors around us so we're not constantly struggling, it's important to go out and practice without training wheels.
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