(Note: I use the word “narcissist” as an illustration only, not as a definition for someone. This post is more related to avoidant attachment style)
Someone comes into my field, we connect, and I feel immense love for them. I express this love with an open heart… We share a period of deep Communion, sometimes nearly soul shattering!
As the days go on… I find it more and more difficult to continue giving love and affection at this level… It isn’t sustainable. I am just one person, and their need begins to feel like a deep well.
I have always refilled my own cup by spending time alone…withdrawing from the world. Giving myself the love and attention I need.
But that space scares them. They feel threatened, afraid I will abandon them; afraid I will leave.
So they cross into my “zone” of energy. They want to get close; they want to fix it… the space. My need for it. Bring me back to them.
They try to do this by giving me love; by trying to help me with things; by giving me praise; by being extra nice… by inadvertently smothering me.
I do not need any of this from them, I need space. I need time alone. It is THEY who need this, and mistakenly think that by giving it to me, my cup will be full and I will be able to continue giving to them the love they need. But I source my own love. I fill my own cup. And the constant attention is in fact, quite draining.
I begin to back away… needing to protect my energy.
They come closer.
Like a deer in headlights, I feel overwhelmed with their energy, their closeness. I can’t breathe. I can’t find myself, it’s too much, I’m suffocating!
They feel that I have shut down; closed myself off; I’m not available.
They begin to panic… not outwardly, but inwardly. I can feel it. I can see it in their eyes… they are desperately trying to think of what to do to get me to stay.
I tell them I just need space. I just need to breathe.
They continue to come forward, toward me, thinking if they just give me MORE LOVE, I’ll come back.
My bubble! my space! the place where I recharge!… GET OUT!!!
The more I back away, the closer they come. I try to reassure them I will come back, but now I’m not sure I want to. It feels like a trap. Will they be able to let me go? Will I still be free?
I try to explain why I have a need for space…That it fills me up.
They think I am just trying to get away from them. They say, “all I want is to love you and you are rejecting my love. Why won’t you let me in?”…
Because they are trying to force their way in. Force the flower open. Pry from me the love they want and need.
I must somehow make a boundary, clear my field. They are clinging to me and I don’t know what to do. Their need is so strong! What else can I do but withdraw my energy altogether? Perhaps even make a clean break?
And if I do, and it hurts them, they may react and call me a “narcissist”…Perhaps even publicly, and accuse me of never truly loving them. Of lying to them… Of pretending to love them. That all I care about is myself and that I obviously don’t have feelings, if I am able to do this to them. That I’m not capable of loving the way they are.
But I do love!… I just love DIFFERENT than they do. There is no amount of love coming from me, that was ever going to eternally fill their cup. Not until they learned to step back, give space, take space, and fill their own.
I want to give my love free of charge…not out of obligation; not because someone craves it from me. Not because they can’t yet give it to themselves.… but because it flows effortlessly from me through the space between us.
The way I see it, a healthy relationship involves periods of getting close, and then giving each other space; then coming close again. Letting it breath like a flowing inhale and an exhale. Both people taking space to fill their own cup and recharging in their own energy.
But too often, when I naturally move into space, my place of resource, they want to come with me. They become anxious, afraid, needing…. And then I validate their worst fear… of being abandoned.
It’s been something I have worked with my entire adult life… How to communicate clearly this need of healthy space, without triggering the other’s fears of abandonment.
The thing is, if they can let me go, let me take care of myself, NOT CLING… then I will come back naturally when my cup is full. This is my full intention from the get go. I am NOT leaving because I do not love them. I am merely attempting to meet my own needs in a healthy way.
Every story has two sides, and the energy of push/pull is very common in relationships. If you are feeling abandoned, needy, afraid of losing someone… can you let go? Be willing at least, to learn to be able to?
The only way that level of immense love can continue to flow (and it can!), is with space. Breath. Trust. And the ability for BOTH OF US to love ourselves fully.
PS- this is a bit of an exaggerated example as it usually happens more slowly over time. But you get the idea.
PPS– These shares are vulnerable for me. It’s not easy to share so openly about something so triggering as narcissism on a platform like Facebook. It’s not easy to take responsibility for traits that people slander all day long. But our perception of things isn’t always accurate. Sometimes people are blamed for things and it’s not the true experience of “the other“. There are always two sides to every story, and often BOTH sides are right.
PPPS- Yes I know this resembles the avoidant and anxious attachment styles. The purpose is that many people who have an avoidant style are accused of being narcissists. People who may be selfish, immature, angry, arrogant, and absolutely avoidant…Often get labeled as narcissists. I used the word intentionally for this reason.