For this exploration and inquiry we dive into the realm of (personal) responsibility. What does it take to take responsibility for all things that happen to us? Is it even possible? Does it even make sense? And when we fail, can we take responsibility for *that* too? In transformational circles, many people believe that taking 100% responsibility is not only possible but also *desired*. But what happens when something happens and we just can't take personal responsibility, no matter how much we try? Conflict is often the result. Read on below for the various scenarios possible between two people when impactful words or actions are shared, and then find someone to explore these scenarios with in conversation.
Here is an example of how personal responsibility can works in situations where conflict arises.
Person A tells person B, "You are (label) X". (For example: “You are selfish.”
Is label X a way for person A to identify or feel safer or a way to shame or objectify (even unconsciously) person B? As long as there is no shame said or heard, then there should be no reason for anyone to feel share/guilt and thus no reason for anyone to take personal responsibility for these feelings.. However, if at least one person feels hurt, then someone will have to take responsibility for it or conflict will occur.
Possibility 1: Person A sees X as shameful but person B does not:
The result is person B will feel fine. While person A might have some growth to do in order to not impact other people with their judgment, person B will not be the person who gets impacted today.
Possibility 2: Person A does not see X as shameful but not person B does:
Person B will react to the shame and possibly feel hurt. At this point, if A takes responsibility for how label X could have been misinterpreted and apologizes (well enough), then person B will feel better as a deeper understanding for person A about how to care for person B will emerge. If person B takes responsibility and realizes that person A didn't mean it in a shameful way, the same thing will occur. (This is generally called a misunderstanding and accounts for most of all conflicts, and only sometimes requires mediation)
Possibility 3: Person A and B both see X as shameful (consciously or subconsciously)
Here the problem runs deeper (such as projections, oppression, sexism, racism): one person meant to hurt/shame/impact (righteously or not) and the other person is hurt. This is a case where neither party is likely to take personal responsibility without some shift in perspective, conversation, mediation, apology from the other person, as well as growth and integration involved. Ideally, both parties would take full (100%) responsibility at the same time (yet this is not always possible), but as long as the total responsibility taken is 100% (such as 50/50 or 70/30) and both parties are satisfied, the conflict can be resolved. This is often what happens in mediation: both parties share of the perceived actions/words of the other party, speak of the impact on them, and seek acknowledgment and/or apology and/of repair from the other party. A successful mediation process is where all of it has been spoken, acknowledged, and repaired.
Geeky stuff, but if you take a minute to look into it, you’ll see that a lot of conflicts can be eliminated or reduced through the powerful use of personal responsibility. Think about it: If someone comes at you calling you names or blaming you for something, and if you can take responsibility for how you feel about it, you might effectively be able to engage with it without defensiveness or upset. Or if you said something that hurt someone, you also could use personal responsibility to recognize the impact on the other person and apologize powerfully, make amends, and let the other person know you’ll be more careful next time.
Now that you have looked at the most common scenarios in conflict and how taking personal responsibility can re-establish balance and allow all parties to grow in order to care for each other better, see if you can take the conversation into your life. Find 5 people you are close to and for each person, try to identify examples of all three scenarios between the two of you and see who was able to take personal responsibility and how it helped resolve the conflict (or help avoid it in the first place).