There are many great insights to be found in understanding the points in this video. However, I am continually concerned about this “pathology-focused” narrative we all seem to gravitate toward in this culture.
“What’s wrong with...fill in the blank.” We often find ourselves looking for what’s wrong with others, with ourselves, with the world. What about what’s right? What can we learn from our experiences? What can we learn from the perspectives different from our own?
I can guarantee that in the future we will look back on this time of focusing on “pathology” and what is “wrong with people” as a symptom of severe disconnection with our collective humanity.
Take the point casually mentioned in this video about making sure not to label a child a narcissist, because self-focus is a critical part of our development as human beings. What about those who missed critical parts of their development? Is it not an obvious correlation to make that adults who show these traits simply missed critical development as children? Is it not obvious that those who have less privileges of wealth, security, healthy role models, education, and reassurance will have some of these traits because they display more traits of survival?
It just seems to beg the question: Why hasn’t mainstream psychology addressed this obvious “catch 22?” The paradox being that those who missed critical development will be unaware of what they’re missing, live based on the correlating survival mechanisms activated, and they will be scapegoated by those who DID get these critical developmental supports...yet those who truly did receive and continue healthy development do not engage in mindless blame. They take responsibility for themselves, and they do what they can to contribute to others. But this conversation really exists in the unconscious realm of the human experience.
Why? Because development on this deepest level happens BEFORE conscious memory is possible. That is, the “attachment stage” of development happens from conception through 2-3 years of age, before the hippocampus first the brain the fully formed, making the resulting personality traits that eventually form as adults virtually impossible to foresee.
Why did I say “virtually impossible to foresee?” Because we have 30+ years of statistical data in Attachment Science that has a 70-80% predictability of attachment style from one generation to the next. This is because the critical needs that support the healthy development brain and overall nervous system development are emotional, and passed on from personality traits of the parental caregivers during this critical developmental period of time. But causality and blame are not the same thing, and must not be confused if we are to avoid the trap of denial out of pride and shame.
For example, the “Ferber method“ advocated for allowing infants to “cry it out“ when they were in their cribs alone, something that is now well understood to be a form of emotional neglect that is registered on the unconscious level neurologically during the attachment phase.
Did the Ferber advocates and parents have malicious intent for these infants? Of course not! But once we understand these things, it doesn’t mean that the science is readily accepted and implemented so we can correct these mistakes moving forward.
Unfortunately, our survival responses include the mechanism of pride, and deep shame underneath that, believing ourselves to having not been “perfect parents.“ There’s nothing wrong with making mistakes, but the inability to course-correct after a better way of supporting human development has been established is very much like what was described in the traits and symptoms of a narcissist in this video.
Am I saying that we are a string of multiple generations of narcissists? Of course not! What I am saying is the way we view our world is largely determined by how we choose to think, speak, and act. Although we could demonize past generations or ourselves as perpetrators who “wronged” children, there is a more sophisticated and holistic way to view past mistakes.
We could instead view these misunderstandings of the past as opportunities to grow moving forward. We could see mistakes as a window into better habits and support moving forward as a united humanity. It’s a novel concept, right? No, just easier said than done.
What I am saying is that viewing ourselves, other people, and the world in terms of “what is wrong” is going to create a collective “mastery of what is wrong.” Sure, a fear-based title of an article or post on social media will definitely get more likes, shares, engagement, but at what cost?
We are choosing to talk about subjects that induce a conversation around what we DO NOT WANT? If so, we will get lots of ideas and mastery around the art of understanding what we do not want. We will in the case become master complainers and blamers.
What if we focused our precious time and attention on “WHAT WE DO WANT?“
What if when we see something that is painful, or that we do not agree with, we seek to understand how that person or circumstance came to be that way? What if compassionate curiosity became a standard we all encourage in ourselves and one another?
Notice your breathing while thinking about the details of this vision. Allow all the thing you see, hear, and feel? Notice how your body is beginning to respond as you stay in this vision, taking note of particular body parts and shifts in breathing, tension levels, awareness within and around you, and neutral or positive emotions that may begin to arise.
What if when we see something that induces fear, or that we are tempted to look at in terms of what is wrong, as a pathology, we instead seek to understand, empathize, and learn from this new perspective that is clearly outside of our comfort zone?
WHAT IF WE MADE SEEKING THE LOVE IN EVERY MOMENT A HABIT?
As obnoxiously simple and cliché as it might sound, the first step in achieving this paradigm-shift is to pause, slow down, and notice your breathing and bodily sensations.
When you are in a fear-based conversation, what is your breathing doing? How deep does it go into your lungs? How long and smooth is your exhale? Do you feel tension in a particular part of your body like your neck, jaw, shoulders, hips, or lower back?
Believe it or not, wherever you feel tension and shifting of your breath is indicative of the state of your nervous system, and therefore your ability to be present, conscious, and capable of using your higher brain functions of rational thought and feeling emotions in a sophisticated and effective way.
Simple mindful awareness of your sensory experience opens the door to your humanity. Your highest potential to make a difference in this world while experiencing fulfillment starts with his step habit.
Take moments today, and every day to pause and take in your sensory experience while noticing your breath exactly as it is.
Are you interested in being inspired? Then notice the “inspiration” in the form of your breath, and notice your bodily sensations to take the small and critical steps to “be the change you wish to see in the world.“
I see nothing wrong with staying informed about potential pitfalls in life. It is another thing entirely to spend our precious time and attention on things that keep us out of our human capacity for empathy, rational thought, and collaboration together.
Do you want there to be less war and violence in this world? Choosing the small steps can be the most critical ones in making this world a better place. We can shout our beliefs about how we can improve everyone else in the world until we are blue in the face, but it is only ourselves we can truly control in a positive way.
Make a difference in the world by first making sure you are using your full human capacity for presence, compassion, and service from Love...not to mention your capacity for growth in mastery of skills and increasing intelligence begin with this foundation.
Are you concerned about dangerous, violent, and narcissistic people in the world? Then choose to be someone who is peaceful, compassionate, and a lover of the diversity in this human experience we all share.
As it is described in this video around the behavior of the “vulnerable narcissist,“ it is attracting and allowing appropriate boundaries to be overrun that allows grandiose narcissism to exist. Perhaps it is in our power to be the change we wish to see after all. From firm but loving boundaries as parents, to mutual respect as friends and spouses, we are the ones we’ve been waiting for.
Change starts with the person looking back at you in the mirror. We could project that onto others in the form of looking for who or what to blame, or we could become the inspiration we seek and allow it expand outward from there. We need to see the humanity in ourselves and others if we are to shift this world more toward Love. From this perspective we connect more deeply to ourselves and to others as a united and diverse humanity. As individuals we are limited, together we are limitless.
Know Yourself and Be Empowered,
Mike Thomas