Most people think of responsibility and accountability as something clear and simple, something you assign to someone. But that’s just wishful thinking. We know that it won’t work unless that person has what it takes to make it happen. As such, responsibility can be defined as the areas or life/reality where they ready, willing, able, and informed—to effectively engage with.

Read that one again. If someone is lacking in readiness, willingness, ability, or if they don’t have enough information, they won’t be able to do the job of engaging well in that area.

In other words, they will more likely fail, and possibly hurt themselves or someone else in the process.

In fact, this connects with trust (ie the belief that someone will be responsible): you can absolutely trust someone to be responsible and accountable for the things they are ready, willing, able, and informed enough about. Everything else, however, you won’t be able to trust them because they won’t have what it takes to do so.

Beyond that, there’s 3 stages of responsibility, which, when developed, will lead to what I call sovereignty (ie the ability to make better choices for self and others, in connection and trust). Here they are:

STAGE ONE: RESPONSIBLE FOR SELF

To be responsible for your emotions and the actions and words that result is to be sovereign. It takes a great deal of responsibility/accountability to do this. But in the end, the more of you you can be responsible for, including all of the above, the greater the power you have with yourself, which is the lowest hanging fruit of power. 

STAGE TWO: RESPONSIBLE FOR OTHERS

Once you master stage one, or while you do, you can explore also being responsible for other people's emotions/actions/words --consensually. This means you are both ready, willing, able, and informed enough to accept each other's support with interdependency, not co-dependency. This is shared responsibility. This is hard work because relationships--especially ones based in insecurity/immaturity/lack of awareness tend to be co-dependent: each person's weakness depending on the other person's.

STAGE THREE: OTHERS RESPONSIBLE FOR YOU

If you thought the first two stages were hard, you'll have fun with this one. This is the stage where you attempt to make others responsible for your feelings, experiences, actions, and words. Most people fuck this one up royally because they think it's just a matter of asking hard enough. When that doesn't work, they blame and shame whoever is not fulfilling their request. 

This happens because they haven't gone through stage one and two, and bypassed all forms of responsibility to the third stage, expecting others to be responsible when they themselves don't have the ability to do so.

Which is why the third stage is usually not the third stage: it's the stage before the first, it's stage ZERO.

To do the third stage, you have to show someone you can be trusted with their efforts, with the responsibility they are willing to show towards you, with their time, effort, and attention. It's the ultimate position of surrendering to receiving. And the second they aren't being responsible for your experience is the second they are busy doing something else—you know, living—and this is the moment where you should be taking yourself--and even them--back in charge as a fully sovereign human.

If you're complaining or blaming, then go back to stage one.

That's it.